It is hard to kick against the goads

Saul of Tarsus- "circumcised the eighth day, of the nation of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the Law, a Pharisee... as to the righteousness which is in the Law, found blameless" (philippians 3:5-6).

He lived his life, as best he could, doing what he thought was right. He adhered to the law, abstained from immorality, studied fervently, and zealously opposed what he thought was wrong. But there was a tension in his life- despite his religious zeal, his firm asceticism and adherence to the law, not matter how fervent his prayers or his efforts- something wasn't right.

This was not a man chasing after vanity, or purely living to please himself. Most honest people can tell you that this life certainly produces emptiness and despair. This was a man who had dedicated his life to the Lord. He even denied his own pleasure for the sake of the synagogue and the God of Israel.  Yet he was not fulfilled and all of his striving only produced more striving. He could never do enough and even what he did do never brought pleasure or joy.

There is a way that seems right to a man, but it's end is the way of death (proverbs 14:12, 16:25). The way that seems right is much more deceptive than the way that is obviously wrong. duh. It is not a just prodigal, immoral, irresponsible living that leads to death but even a well-intentioned, religious, purpose-driven life!

It doesn't matter how we spend our life: whether in "loose living" or "slaving... never disobey[ing] orders..." (Luke 15). The two sons in Jesus' parable demonstrated two lives that spanned the spectrum in terms of lifestyles. Both sons were pursuing joy and pleasure and fulfillment, both did what seemed right to them. One ended up desperate and regretful, the other, judgmental and bitter. It manifested in very different ways, but both sons' rebellion towards their father made their lives miserable and unfulfilled.

Paul's life probably looked a lot like the elder son's. He was a slave to the law and commandments and committed himself to what he thought was right. But his lifestyle did not bring life and in fact it's end was in death.

Every man is just trying to find his way. To an extent, we all do what seems right to us. But often this results in great resistance and turmoil. Often we are desperately seeking fulfillment and satisfaction but only find grief and emptiness. Why? Because "it is hard for you to kick against the goads (Acts 26:14)

Jesus spoke these words to Paul on the road to Damascus. and in an instant, everything that Paul had been living his life for, every area in which he had been seeking purpose and fulfillment was completely turned on its head. He had been kicking against the goads and it took a shining light from heaven and direct revelation from the Jesus for him to realize it.

What does it mean to kick against the goads? "A goad (in hebrew Malmad- Judges 3:31) was a long-handled, metal-tipped, pointed instrument, like a javelin, used to urge on oxen when plowing... In Hebrew, the word ox goad is a derivative of the word LA-MAD meaning to learn or teach.  So literally we could say - the ox goad was a teacher.  It prodded the ox into the correct path that the master/owner was directing or trying to teach.  When the animal went off course, it got pricked by the goad.  At the same time, if the animal kicked against the goad in refusal, it quickly learned how painful that was" 

It is hard to kick against the goads. It is much easier, much wiser to submit and allow our good shepherd to lead us, to teach us, to guide us. Often areas of resistance in our lives and struggles that we face are not in fact because we are doing a good work and the enemy is opposing us but because we are opposing the one who is trying to guide us to the right path. In our stubborn pride we continue in the way that seems right to us and allow the goad to push further and further into our flesh. Unlike the thorn in Paul's flesh however, it is not meant to be there and if we would simply surrender the way that seems right to us we would find ourselves on a much better path.

The words of the wise are like goads, and like nails firmly fixed are the collected sayings; they are given by one Shepherd. -Ecclesiastes 12:11

When God hides His face

God is a rewarder of those who seek Him (Hebrews 11:6). This promise is foundational to a life of faith. As believers, we CANNOT please God without BELIEVING that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. But why does it sometimes seem like God doesnt want to be pleased, that He ignores those who are seeking Him and they are left without any reward for their efforts? 

I have seen many people sincerely seek The Lord hoping, wishing, wanting Him to be true to His word, yet their efforts come up fruitless. Typically they conclude, first, that God is not a rewarder of those who seek Him. That He is distant, and uninvolved, that He reserves reward only for a chosen few and that He does not make Himself freely available to any who seek Him. They no longer hope in God, they no longer believe that in an instant God can change everything, that an encounter can transform their lives. Hopelessness leads to despair, and despair inevitably leads to the death of faith. Not only is God not a rewarder of those who seek Him, He simply is not. 

Why does God allow so many people to fall away? Even the phrase "fall away" indicates they were once seeking and have for some reason or another given up on their pursuits. Is God not faithful? Is He not a rewarder of those who seek Him? Does He not reveal himself to any who come to Him?

In Deuteronomy God promises that "if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him" (Deuteronomy 4:29a). I think that often people hear promises like this over and over again and it only leads to more frustration and condemnation as their pursuits continue to come up empty. They dont find the breakthrough they are looking for, they dont experience the transformation they need, they dont find the God they seek. But there is a condition to the promise of God. There is a reason that not all who seek Him find Him. God is found "if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul." (Deuteronomy 4:29b) 

Similarly, the prophet Jeremiah assures God's people that God has plans to prosper them and not to harm them, to give them a hope and a future. This powerful and encouraging promise is followed by the invitation to call on the name of The Lord and pray to Him and the encouragement that "you will seek Me and find Me" BUT only "when you seek Me with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:13).

We often ascribe value to something based on how difficult it was to obtain. A large part of our rejoicing over accomplishments lies in our reflection of the trials and difficulties we had to overcome to get there. Graduation day and receiving your diploma would not nearly be as sweet were it not for the numerous late nights, the endless studying, and the thousands of dollars paid. We cherish our education because we deem it worthy of all our efforts and sacrifices. No good and worthwhile thing comes easily. 

We admire talented inviduals because we recognize the countless hours that they have put into their craft. But no matter how much we desire to be like them we will never even come close if we arent willing to put in the effort and time. The effort in perfecting a craft is often what makes a person great--even more so than the talent they were initially given. Every professional athlete is immensely talented. And every player would rather be an all star than a bench warming scrub. But talent and desire alone are not enough to propel someone to superstardom. In fact, it is often the players to whom the game comes too easily that disappoint and never fulfill their potential.  

Perhaps God is being gracious to us by not rewarding our halfhearted pursuits. Perhaps He knows that it would destroy us if He were to reveal Himself to us when we seek Him casually. The kingdom of God is like a treasure buried in a field. God has placed treasure in every person's life regardless of their upbringing or background. But will we put our hope in the fact that the treasure is there and will we seek it with all our heart? If we truly devote ourselves to finding that treasure, if we persevere and endure obstacles and trials, our enjoyment of the treasure will be made full. We will recognize the immense value of the treasure and will by no means throw it away. In fact, we will sell everything we have in order to buy the field in which we found it. The act of selling all we have and buying the field is Kingdom living. We will live in such a manner if we recognize the inherent value of the treasure God has given us. And the degree to which we recognize value is dependent on how hard we are willing to seek it. 

God hides His face from casual observers out of His grace. He refuses to allow us to cheapen His glory or allow us to yield fruit in halfhearted, ill-conceived motives. "Acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you" (1 Chronicles 28:9)

God is Love

"Love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love."

God is love. This truth has been quoted many times in numerous contexts-- often as a rationale for religious tolerance, acceptance, and human virtue. The idea is that every act, every feeling, every demonstration of love is God. Selfless sacrifice, passionate love, undivided devotion--in any context and in every manner is love. Whether it's Jesus sacrificing himself out of love for humanity, or a suicide bomber sacrificing his life for love of a reward; passionate love between a husband and a wife or a husband and another man's wife. But we see that in different contexts love takes on very different forms. Is God just as much embodied in Jesus' body on the cross as He is in radical acts of terrorism or violence? Or is God just as present in a committed and faithful marriage as he is in the passionate affair of two adulterers? Our understanding of this truth has caused us to paint a contradictory and inconsistent picture of God. We may preach "God is love" but what we're really saying is "love is God."

Essentially, what we feel and what we can perceive and understand of our emotions determines who and what God is. Therefore, it is no wonder that peoples view of God is as varied and confused as their emotions. God does not change, but our emotions do. God does not lie, cheat, steal or fail but in the name of love people have done all these things. love is not God.

In fact, we can only love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). True love can only be borne in us and initiated by God's love for us. Our primary endeavor then should not be to love like God but to be loved by God. It's a funny thing that when we try to love like God we will only realize how much we are not like God and we will fail. But when we surrender ourselves and acknowledge that love has to be initiated, planted, perfected in us we begin to love like God naturally.

"this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins" In this we find what we have always been looking for. Everyone knows that they need love. but what that looks like, and where to find it is a mystery. The love we are looking for, the love we need, and the only love that can set us free is found in a most unlikely place.

He has no stately form or majesty
That we should look upon Him,
Nor appearance that we should be attracted to Him.
He was despised and forsaken of men,
A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief;
And like one from whom men hide their face
He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.
 Surely our griefs He Himself bore,
And our sorrows He carried;
Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken,
Smitten of God, and afflicted.
But He was pierced through for our transgressions,
He was crushed for our iniquities;
The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him,
And by His scourging we are healed.
 All of us like sheep have gone astray,
Each of us has turned to his own way;
But the Lord has caused the iniquity of us all
To fall on Him.

God is love. God authors and perfects love in us. apart from God we cannot love as we were made to.  Our love has a million strings attached and is motivated by countless ulterior motives. We love those who love us. We love to feel affirmed in our worth and our identity. We love to cover up our insecurities and fill a need within ourselves. We love when recriprocation is expected. Truthfully examine yourself and you may find that selfishness is at the root of even your most loving actions. How will we be perceived? How will we be affirmed? How will it make us feel? and What will we gain? God does not love in such a way. Jesus did nothing out of selfish ambition (philippians 2:3) and gave everything expecting to be persecuted and reviled in response.

This is the standard of love that Jesus laid down His life for. This is the love that He called us to through the great commandment to "love your neighbor as yourself". and this is the love that He wants to put in us. The cross was a declaration of love, but it was also an invitation. At calvary, Jesus bid us "Come Look at Love!" but in the resurrection Jesus empowers us to become love.
The Christian faith is not as shallow as God asking His people to try with all their might to love others as we think He would. And then hope that through our efforts we will become more loving people. We will never see true transformation as long as love is our God. And the lost will never desire what is in us if it is the same as what is in them. The integrity of the gospel goes much much deeper than morality and kindness. The gospel is about freedom from ourselves (from pride, from selfishness, from vanity, and insecurity)-- so that when God puts His love in us, we dont get in the way. We must die to ourselves--our pride, our self sufficiency-- to accept the love of God. and we must die to ourselves--our selfishness, our insecurities--to allow the love we've received to flow through us.Freely we receive and freely we give (Matthew 10:8). 

The Pilgrim's Progress

I dreamed and behold, I saw a man clothed with rags standing in a certain place with his face from his own house, a book in his hand, and a great burden upon his back...In this plight, therefore, he went home, and refrained himself as long as he could, that his wife and children should not perceive his distress; but he could not be silent long, because that his trouble increased: wherefore at length he brake his mind to his wife and children; and thus he began to talk to them: "O my dear wife, and you the children of my bowels, I, your dear friend, am in myself undone, by reason of a burden that lies hard upon me; moreover, I am for certain informed, that this our city will be burned with fire from heaven: in which fearful overtrow, both myself, with thee, my wife, and you my sweet babes, shall miserably come to ruin; except some way of escape can be found, whereby we may be delivered"

 At this his relations were sore amazed; not for that they believed that what he had said to them was true, but because they thought that some frenzy distemper had got into his head... He also set to talking to them again: but they began to be hardened. they also thought to drive away his distemper by harsh and surly conduct to him: sometimes they would deride: sometimes they would chide; and sometimes they would quite neglect him. wherefore he began to retire himself to his chamber, to pray for and pity them, and also to condole his own misery...Now I saw, upon a time when he was walking in the fields, that he was reading in his book, and... as he read, he burst out, as he had done before, crying,  "What must I do to be saved?" (Acts 16:30)...

I looked then, and saw a man named Evangelist coming to him, and asked, "wherefore dost thou cry?" He answered, "Sir, I perceive by the book in my hand that I am condemned to die, and after that to come to judgement (Hebrews 9:27); and I find that I am not willing to do the first, and not able to do the second (Ezekiel 22:14)"... Then said Evangelist, "if this be thy condition, why standest thou still?" He answered, "because I know not where to go." Then he gave him a parchment roll; and there was written within, "Flee from the wrath to come" (Matthew 3:7) the man; therefore, read it; and looking upon Evangelist very carefully, said, "whither must I fly?" Then said Evangelist, pointing with his finger over a very wide field... "Do you see yonder shining light?" (2 peter 1:19) He said, "I think I do." Then said Evangelist, "Keep that light in your eye, and go up directly thereto so shalt thou see the gate (Matthew 7:14); at which, when thou knockest, it shall be told thee what thou shall do."

So I saw in my dream that the man began to run. Now he had not run far from his own door, but his wife and children perceiving it, began to cry after him to return; but the man put his fingers in his ears, and ran on, crying, "Life! Life! Eternal life!" So he looked not behind him, but fled towards the middle of the plain.

The neighbors also came out to see him run; and, as he ran, some mocked, others threatened, and some cried after him to return; and among those that did so, there were two that were resolved to fetch him back by force... and in a little time they overtook him. Then said the man, "Neighbors, wherefore are ye come?" They said, "to persuade you to go back with us." But he said, "That can by no means be. You dwell in the city of Destruction the place also where I was born... be content, good neighbors, and go along with me."

"What!... and leave our friends and our comforts behind us?"

"Yes," said Christian, for that was his name; "because that all which you shall forsake is not worthy to be compared with a little of that that I am seeking to enjoy; and if you will go along with me, and hold it, you shall fare as I myself; for there where I go is enough and to spare. Come away, and prove my words"

"What are the things you seek, since you leave all the world to find them?"

"I seek an inheritance incorruptible, undefiled, and that fades not away (1 Peter 1:4) and it is laid up in heaven, and safe there, to be bestowed, as the time appointed on them that diligently seek it (Hebrews 11:16) read it so, if you will, in my book."

SURRENDER

Surrender your heart to God,
turn to him in prayer,
and give up your sins—
even those you do in secret.

Then you won’t be ashamed;
you will be confident
and fearless.
-job 11:13-15

How does surrender make us confident and fearless? It seems counter-intuitive. The reason we do not surrender is because we are desperately trying to maintain our confidence our control and our courage. Surrender is admission of defeat, succumbing to opposition. How then, is surrender a source of confidence and fearlessness?

There many forms of surrender, and they can produce very different results.
Defeated foes surrender to their victors. Addicts surrender their will and self control to their vices. Captives surrender their freedom to oppressors. None of these produce confidence and fearlessness.

What then, is the surrender that takes away our shame and gives us confidence and fearlessness? Surrender can be brought about by the strong hand of opposition or it can be induced through absolute trust in an unconditional love. Your enemy tries to force you to surrender your rights and your freedom through brute force and tyranny. God invites us to surrender by demonstrating His love for us by surrendering His son to us.

It is only through knowing that God has not held anything back from us (Romans 8:32), that He is for us and not against us (Romans 8:31) that we can willingly and joyfully surrender to God in a manner that produces confidence, fearlessness, and love.

God does not want us to live in surrender because he wants to take away our stability or our authority. On the contrary, God calls us to surrender to Him so that He can be our stability.

He will be the stability of your times,
A wealth of salvation, wisdom and knowledge- Isaiah 33:6

For in God the Lord, we have an everlasting Rock.- Isaiah 26:4

He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.-Psalm 62:2

The degree to which we are willing to surrender to God flows out of whether we understand how much He was willing to surrender for our sake. And the degree to which we understand that determines how much we are willing to ask of Him and how much we are able to receive His blessings.

For most people, it is hard to receive. Gifts, especially extravagant gifts, often produce a sense of guilt and obligation to pay back the favor. So when we are given something that we cannot repay we typically have no idea how to receive it.

A gift from a stranger confuses us and makes us question their motives and the conditions of the gift. A gift from an acquaintance makes us feel guilty and obligated to repay. But what about a gift from someone that is more than an acquaintance, someone that we know loves us and is not trying to manipulate us? It is much easier to receive from a parent than it is to receive from someone else. We receive essentially everything we have from our parents all through our youth, why is it that we dont typically feel the same feelings of guilt and obligation to repay? We dont ever question our parents' motives in giving us gifts or hesitate to receive things because we are wary of the strings attached.

We freely receive from our parents because we know that it is their delight and joy to give good gifts to us. We can see the sacrifices that they make for us--that they are surrendered to loving us and caring for us. Surrender on their end gives us confidence in their love for us, confidence to stand on their support without guilt or hesitation.

However, we can respond to this kind of love in a number of ways. If we misunderstand, or misinterpret love and a surrendered heart we will not love and surrender in return. This is demonstrated in the parable of the prodigal son, the selfless and unconditional love of the father produced resentment and obligation in one son and recklessness and selfish indulgence in the other (luke 15). Surrender extended to us allows us to receive gifts without guilt. but if we receive without surrendering ourselves we will fool ourselves into thinking we are entitled to the things we receive.

How does our surrender change the way we receive gifts? and Why is surrender so essential to walking in the fullness of our identity as SONS and not as slaves? When we are not willing to give everything to someone, we CANNOT fully receive from them without guilt or obligation. When we are not wiling to give everything to someone we will not freely go to them with requests and petitions.

There are few people in my life that I would joyfully and willingly give everything for, and I know would give everything for me. I have no problem receiving gifts from them, because behind every exchange is an understanding and connection that is much more than paying for a meal, a favor, or a gift. I can turn to them and ask them for something without being afraid that they will refuse or give to me begrudgingly. I can have confidence that it will bring them joy to give to me becuase I know that it would be my joy and delight to give to them. I am fully surrendered to them because I love them, I trust them, and they have demonstrated their love and trust towards me.

There is no greater demonstration of absolute surrender and selfless love than Jesus Christ crucified. God asks everything of us because He gave everything for us. It is His joy and delight to give to us, if we do not believe that we will not and cannot joyfully give to him. The godly path of obedience is not then obtained through ascetism or willful self control but by looking to calvary-where Jesus bore all for us and held nothing back from us. How can we respond to the cross except by repeating what He has already said to us: "Everything I have is yours" (Luke 15:31)

"To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial..."

To be loved but not known will never satisfy. It will drive a person from relationship to relationship--always afraid of being entirely vulnerable, never allowing themselves to be truly honest--it is a vain covering, a shroud. it maintains a sense of mystery enticing others and drawing them in, allowing them in their imagination to put individuals on a pedestal and to be infatuated with the idea of a person. It is also a shield, to protect from letting others in, afraid that once they see what is behind the veil they will be utterly disgusted, appalled, or disappointed.

Why do women love mysterious men? and why is it so hard for men to be vulnerable and honest with their emotions? (and vice versa... sometimes...) Perhaps the two issues are one and the same. Everybody wants to be loved but it is a scary thing to be known...

"To be known and not loved is our greatest fear..." 

When I think about it, this really, actually, honestly might be one of my greatest fears. It takes on many forms--fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of commitment, fear of failure, the list goes on. I think that at the root of each of those aforementioned fears (and many others) is the same fear- that people will know me. and not love me.

It is one thing to be falsely accused, misunderstood, misinterpreted, or hated by a stranger. I could care less what a stranger thinks of me (even though i actually probably do care a little...). If someone misunderstands or misinterprets my actions or my words (which has happened many times) then usually a conversation can being about clarification and reconciliation. But what if... somebody completely understood where I was coming from, what I was saying, why I was doing what I was doing and consciously CHOSE to reject me. What if they weighed out all my characteristics and all my qualities and achievements and concluded "jon chou is a scrub" (or something worse!!!). I would not know what to do with myself... not because everyone loves me or because nobody thinks im a scrub (i am a scrub...) but because it goes against our innermost desire to be loved!! isnt it funny that everyone in the entire world could love us, but if one person hates us we often spend more time obsessing about that one person than all the people that love us. 

What better way to illustrate this truth than with an episode of everybody loves raymond... summary: Ray finds out that Jerry Musso hates him and obsesses over it. He cannot accept that somebody could hate him, and he ignores the love and affirmations of his family just to figure out why.

http://youtu.be/Zgtvjgeg98s- hahahah great show

It's a silly illustration and Ray Barone is super sensitive, but let's be real... everyone wishes that their life was essentially titled "Everybody loves insert your name here". It is easy to accept love but hard to accept hate. 

"But to be fully known and truly loved...is what we need more than anything." 

What does it mean to be fully known? It is a difficult thing to accomplish. Because of our insecurities and our fears it is hard to be completely vulnerable, it is difficult to open up to others when there is a chance that they may reject you. 

Who can even say that they fully know themselves? We are constantly learning more about ourselves and understanding why we react the way that we do, why we feel the things we do, and why we like/dislike the things we do. Self-awareness is not something that we are intrinsically born with- which is why there are so many people even in their  adulthood that do not really know or understand themselves. I think this may be part of the reason why it is so much easier for us to love ourselves... maybe we are so naturally self-absorbed, conceited, vain, and prideful because we dont actually know ourselves. We never fully explore the depths of our souls and the intricacies of our hearts. Surely, we know ourselves better than most, but as critical as I am of myself, I am quick to overlook many of my faults and it is easy to become infatuated with an idea of myself that may be far removed from the truth. Could we still love ourselves and remain as prideful as we are if we truly and totally knew ourselves?  Could we even love others if we knew their every thought and attitude? the deepest and darkest secrets of their hearts? Would we still be so quick to judge ?

"You wont know who you are until you know whose you are" This is the reality of sin, the necessity of the gospel, and hope of Jesus Christ all in one. We love ourselves because we overlook our sins and our faults and magnify our good deeds. We say we have no need for the gospel because we generally and genuinely believe that we are good people, especially compared to murderers, drug dealers, and rapists. The truth is WE DONT REALLY KNOW WHO WE ARE. when the Holy Spirit illuminates the depth of your very being, when He brings to light the intentions and motivations behind your every action, when he measures your attitudes, deeds, and thoughts with a just and perfect scale you have no choice but to be confronted with something that we try to hide and cover up every day of our lives. "We tend to judge others by their behaviors and ourselves by our intentions" but other people and especially not God, do not use such a favorable measure. 

the sinfulness of man is a truly scary and real thing. It took a miracle for me to realize I was a sinner, not just because I had stolen, lied, broken the law, cheated, hated, hurt, lusted, abused- but because the very nature of my flesh was sinful. All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3). when the Holy Spirit brought me face to face with my sin, I realized that I was included under the "All" that sinned, and that I was no better than the people I looked down upon. When I met Jesus, I met myself for the first time. 

"When Simon Peter saw it, he fell down at Jesus' feet saying 'Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O LORD'"

If the gospel was only about the cross and only about the sinfulness of man, and if Jesus came to earth only to judge sinners then it would not be very good news at all. It is a sad thing to see prideful people completely in denial of their faults, and unwilling to seek or receive help of any kind. It is equally sad to see people consumed by their brokenness, covered in condemnation and unable to receive or give love.

This is why it is good news that Jesus did not come to judge the world (John 3:17), but he came to seek and save that which was lost (Luke 19:10). Jesus died on the cross, but he did not remain in the grave. So many christians look to the cross as the end, when it was only the beginning. Jesus came that we might have LIFE, but the gospel is so often preached as insurance for death. Jesus did not die just to get us out of hell and into heaven, He died to get hell out of us and Heaven into us!! 

There is, therefore, now no condemnation for those who are in Christ! (Romans 8:1) Why?? Because He who created us... He who formed us in our mothers womb... He who fully knew us.... He who was scorned and rejected and crucified by us (Acts 2:23).... He was the one that truly loved us!! While we were YET sinners, God demonstrated his love for us, by sending His son to die for us (Romans 5:8).

Lord, you have examined me
    and know all about me.
You know when I sit down and when I get up.

    You know my thoughts before I think them.
You know where I go and where I lie down.
    You know everything I do.
Lord, even before I say a word,
    you already know it.

Your knowledge is amazing to me;
    it is more than I can understand.

I could say, “The darkness will hide me.
    Let the light around me turn into night.”
But even the darkness is not dark to you.
    The night is as light as the day;
    darkness and light are the same to you.

God, examine me and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any bad thing in me.   
 Lead me on the road to everlasting life

I made this blog a long time ago... I even have a few half-finished posts saved. those of you who know me know that it's difficult for me write anything personal because part way through I just feel silly and it all seems contrived. I'm much more comfortable letting someone else say what I wanna say in a much better way than I could ever say it (aka the bible). But there are also definitely many other reasons that I limit my expressions and thoughts to bible verses or short one-liners... for one, Im not really a good writer... but the main and much bigger reason I think is because honest expression requires vulnerability- which is something that I'm particularly bad at. But I have made this blog because I am often too easily silenced by my insecurity, by the fear of the judgements and scrutiny of others, too easily coerced into complacency and inaction, too willing to settle for safety rather than risk for great reward. But His grace is sufficient for me, through my insecurities, and through my flawed understanding, through my meager attempts at expressing eternal and mysterious truths, God can proclaim His message through this broken vessel and He can make stones to cry out even when my worship is silenced (that's the title of the blog!!!).

I made this blog as a way to express thoughts and convictions that God has given me and as a way to witness to the work and power of His spirit in my life. I hope that it will serve as a testimony of the  gospel of Jesus Christ, as a message of truth, and an expression of love when I am silenced and made to be ashamed of the gospel, when I am afraid to speak the truth, and when I forget who God has called me to be and walk in a manner unworthy of the gospel He has saved me through. Even in my moments of weakness I want my life to be a proclamation of the Kingdom of God that all who hear it would repent and be saved.

Jesus said that a prophet is not without honor except in his hometown. In your hometown you are often pigeonholed into a characterization of your past-- a humble carpenter, a Nazarite, the son of Joseph. But God has called us out of this world and into the domain of His Kingdom, we are but sojourners in this earth and our real home is in heaven, where our honor cannot be taken from us, our inheritance is secure, and our glory is seated at the right hand of God. I am not the foolish, insecure, lazy, pothead that I once was. Neither am I a perfect, all knowing, has-it-all-together prophet/evangelist/mannagod. "But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (philippians 3:13)